Breaking Addiction to People Math

I’ve come to believe that addiction comes in many, many more shapes and sizes than the common drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. I want to examine how people can become an addiction, and what can be done about it.

Okay, so how does this idea work? There are actually a lot of ways that we can become addicted to people, and in order to give them all the proper address that they deserve, I will only be discussing one way in this post. Hopefully this paints a picture of the way I’m looking at this, and can help us to think more critically about how we view and steward the people in our lives.

Before we jump in, though, I think it’s important to examine addiction itself. Addiction is essentially a form of escapism, or a coping mechanism. People turn to addictions to ease the discomfort of some aspect of their lives. So, let’s look at how people play into that.

Addiction 1: Adding new people

I think that for a lot of people (particularly extroverts) can seek out new people as a means of escaping their discomfort. I understand that this won’t apply for everyone, but bear with me! This looks like always being on the look-out for new friends, acquaintances, and connections. These connections can bring support, novel experiences, social opportunities, career opportunities, among many other things.

I believe that the reason why people look to add new people boils down to a feeling of dissatisfaction, either within themselves, or with the existing populous within someone’s social circles. We can feel like “if only I made more connections, or the right connection(s), or found the right people for me, then I’d be happy!” I think that there can be an aspect of truth to this feeling.

Sometimes we can just be surrounded by the wrong people for us.

I’ve found it remarkably easy to find people who either don’t see me for me, care to know who I am beyond first impressions, or just don’t really connect with me on many levels. That’s life, sometimes! However, we need to be cautious to examine the line between “they don’t get me” and “I’m not making this connection as good as it could be”.

I think that there are some really good and important questions that we should ask ourselves when examining our interpersonal connections. Here are a few:

• Am I merely filling a two-dimensional role for this person?

• Are they only filling that sort of role for me?

• What is the currency exchange of our friendship? (How does what I offer compare to what they offer, and do we agree on those often unspoken evaluations?)

• Are we both adequately communicating what needs we have, and would like to be met?

• Have I done my due diligence in making this connection what it ought to be for both of us?

• How important is this specific connection to both of us?

• Am I putting as much effort into understanding their paradigm as I am putting into understanding my own?

This fixation of addition or subtraction of people in your life (or as I am strongly tempted to call it, “people math”) can prove to be a very unnecessary head-game that serves predominately as a dissatisfaction amplifier. It causes us to look at all the ways we feel mistreated, misunderstood, or cheated by life in some way. There are a lot of… errant presumptions that can lead to these feelings. For some reason, among the tasty treats that we feel owed by virtue of mere birth, we find a sense of deserving the “right” (perfect) interpersonal connections.

Within us, there is this subconscious assertion that what we find naturally occurring around us should be precisely what we desire in the most deepest aspects of our being.

I find this assertion to be like an expectation of finding the Cullinan diamond washed ashore during a stroll on the beach. The despair of this reality brings me to the hope of its counterpoint, which is that life, to a great degree, is what you make of it. Likewise, our connections are what we make of them. If you wish to see a certain behavior from those close to you, the first thing you must do is prove that your theory is even plausible by acting it out yourself. The things that we look for in others often end up being the things that we find lacking within ourselves. If we lack these things, what gives us the bright idea that someone else will just so happen to have them?

Conclusion

In order to curb this people addiction, the first step we need to take is the elimination of a double standard of behavior between ourselves and our connections. The measure of theoretical proof is consistency. If you can recreate the theory time after time, you can find safety in the development of the ideas attached to it. In order for any experiment to work, you need to establish a control. There needs to be a baseline to prove that something can happen. I believe this truth to be underlying the proverb “A man that has friends must show himself friendly”. If you want to expect someone to do something, you have to prove that you can do it first.

That being said, that is not a guarantee that it is replicable in all people and circumstances. We still need to accommodate for changes within expected ranges, and even outside of them. However, in order for something to be replicable theoretically, it must first be doable practically. Hopefully you’ve made it through to this point, and hopefully some aspect of this at least made a bit of sense. If not, the hate mail box is just below! (And if you want me to talk about more steps to this particular addiction, you can also let me know.)

Thanks for not reading.