Attack of the Clones Review
Less than 15 minutes in and wow this movie makes no sense.
Why is Anakin such a creepy incel? Anakin straight up tells Obi-Wan that he wants to (and probably does?) have dreams about Padme. Not only is that creepy and weird, it also goes against the Jedi code of no attachments. And Obi just… kinda ignores it? Why does this movie want to make Obi-Wan the villain?
Act 1: Assassination Attempt Tomfoolery
Padme suspects Count Dooku is behind her assassination attempt. Mace Windu reminds Padme that Count Dooku used to be a Jedi, and gives that as a reason that he would not assassinate anyone. But… he isn’t a Jedi anymore, he’s a Sith Lord. If, as the lore indicates, the purple lightsaber indicates study of light side and dark side force usage, wouldn’t Windu of all people have a better understanding of how the Sith function and absolutely would (and do) hire assassins? The Clone Wars series is full of instances of Dooku hiring assassins.
If Zam had enough access to bomb Padme’s ship/the landing platform, why not bomb the other ships too? If it’s Palpatine’s plot to kill her, it stands to reason that he would know she likes to use safeguards like body doubles to protect herself. Aside from that, the second assassination attempt makes no sense either. What is the point of: Palpatine hires Jango. Jango hires Zam. Jango gives Zam the assassin bugs. Zam gives the bugs to a droid. The robot injects the bugs into the room. The bugs silently kill Padme via poison? Doesn’t poison take some time to take effect? After the first attempt, it would be expected for her security detail to tighten.
Furthermore, wouldn’t Palpatine want the assassin(s???) to know what to expect of her new detail, including force sensitive Jedi? Especially considering it was HIS IDEA TO HAVE JEDI PROTECT HER? Man… this is gonna be a rough one. Back to Jango and Zam, Jango tells Zam that they need to be more subtle and that his client (Palpatine) is getting impatient. Why would Palps suggest a Jedi detail and then waste time with bugs?? Why would Zam shoot her own droid that Obi-Wan is hanging off of, leaving him to fall to his death (or more likely get hit by/land on another ship) than just shooting him so that he either dies or is at least wounded by the time he hits something else? Anakin proves how possible this is for Jedi by leaping out of his ship and landing on Zam’s after a very long fall, entirely unscathed.
I do like the parallel of Obi-Wan slicing off someone’s arm in a bar, that’s cute. I think Obi-Wan gets some good characterization through his dialogue, but his actions are… questionable at best. It’s interesting how his appearance seems to imitate a lot of Qui-Gon’s. I bet this is done out of respect for his master. Jango is an idiot for being so visible when he shoots Zam with the toxic dart. Also we need more Death Stick lore. I also really like how this movie displays the danger of “trust your feelings” by this being the core piece of advice Palps gives to Anakin, leading him to the dark side.
Neat detail: when they show the establishing shot of Padme’s residence, a droid is replacing the glass window Obi-Wan recklessly jumped through to catch the assassing droid.
Act 2: Red Flag Parade
Man, Anakin has sooo many red flags, why do they trust him to this extent? Anakin openly admits to Padme that he has dreams about her and she just kinda brushes it off. This relationship is so contrived and only exists because it has to for canon. Why is this so creepy, nonsensical, and outright alarming? Anakin offers nothing to Padme, is she just lonely or are her standards at the ground floor? Also Anakin outright admits to being an authoritarian and Padme thinks it’s a joke because she wants it to be. Why are they just on a vacation now?? Maaan, why’s it gotta be written like this?
Ewan McGregor is seriously carrying this movie.
Anakin’s severe dedication to his emotions and following them is such a tremendous red flag. The way he is haunted by nightmares of his mother does help underscore how he is suffering and not enjoying his life as a Jedi. The sad thing is that the Council is so fixated on politics that they fail to properly care for the chosen one.
Cool fight between Obi and Jango. Wow George Lucas really is a racist, he even gave Watto the hat.
The dogfight between Jango and Obi is even cooler than I remember it, great stuff. Also I like the line where Obi admits to hating flying, despite telling Anakin earlier that he doesn’t he just hates when Anakin is the pilot. It reaffirms how he is not willing to give Anakin praise, even when deserved because of his other problems. Anakin’s frustrations at the Council and Obi-Wan are justified. It’s crazy how you can get glimpses of a really great performance through the horrible line direction.
Act 3: The War to Start All Wars
Landing inside of an exhaust port on Geonosis is stupid and should roast them. Anakin should have sensed the hiding Geonosians with the force waaaay before. I get that it’s a gag, but why would R2 push C-3PO into the factory? Does he hate him? I don’t like Natalie Portman but she is a pretty great actress. Despite the clunky script and direction, she does a good job when she is allowed to.
It’s honestly kinda crazy how they were able to assemble clone troops and battleships for the Battle of Geonosis that rapidly. It’s kind of fascinating to see how this movie foreshadows the Death Star. You see weapons resembling miniature versions of its cannon, and even starships that resemble its shape. Then, they follow that up with the plans of the Death Star being transported to Coruscant by Dooku, setting the stakes but unfortunately predetermined fate of the chase of Dooku.
This movie is still quite visually impressive!
All the clones and droids being CGI, the big battles, ships, it all is very well done to be honest. You can tell it was something George and his wallet were very passionate about. Interesting that Dooku calls his force abilities “Jedi powers”. I wish this was elaborated on. Also Kenobi’s defensive fighting style benefits his fight against Dooku, but only with support, which is why it makes sense for him to appeal so heavily with Anakin to not allow his emotions to get in the way so that he can have backup. The way Anakin fights in this battle shows a tremendous lack of experience in spite of talent. I love this fight so much because it so expertly shows a power ranking of these force users.
We need more stuff like this that remains consistent with logic, lore, and expectations of the characters based off of what we see. You see the power difference between Dooku (can project force lightning), Anakin (has no defense against force lightning), Obi-Wan (can block force lightning), and Yoda (can absorb and divert force lightning). Dooku fights dirty by playing on the factor that gives Yoda a disadvantage because he is a Jedi. I appreciate that this fight is not overly long and drawn-out either. All that being said, why didn’t they destroy his ship before fighting Dooku?
Alarming how Yoda and Obi-Wan see Padme hug (and maybe kiss?) Anakin and don’t think/do anything of/about it. Also, if they won the battle on the planet where they make droids… Would they not have control over the droid factories? Great touch with the imperial march at the end of the movie while Palpatine overlooks the clone army. Yoda is very right that they did not win. Executive powers have been granted to Palpy and the galaxy will never be the same because of that foolish decision with the promise of a temporary nature. This does have an Empire feel in that it ends with the good guys basically losing, setting the stage for bad news in the next film.
